Threads Merged: This thread was merged from here
Threads Merged: This thread was merged from here
From: Joe [#1]
17 Apr 2007
To: ALL
EDITED: 17 Apr 2007 by KGWAGNER
From: Joe [#2]
17 Apr 2007
To: ALL
From: Joe [#3]
17 Apr 2007
To: ALL
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
From: Hello, Helldesk? (QUBIT) [#4]
17 Apr 2007
To: ALL
EDITED: 17 Apr 2007 by AURORA
Message 20.5 was deleted
From: Joe [#6]
17 Apr 2007
To: ALL
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland
at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the
latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is
sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take
care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left out
doors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar,
which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less
than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes
about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as
to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm
going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but
punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands
up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an
Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland
for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to
look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the
morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is
to pump shit out of your aircraft.
Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
From: Joe [#7]
17 Apr 2007
To: ALL
A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?"
The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them."
Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"
From: Cagey (KGWAGNER) [#8]
17 Apr 2007
To: ALL
From: dthompson [#9]
17 Apr 2007
To: ALL
Subject: A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman
nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi
there good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few drinks, she turns around,
faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody,
anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,
front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean
... it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it
ever since I got out of college, and I just flat-ass
love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No
kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
From: dthompson [#10]
17 Apr 2007
To: ALL
A man is driving down a country road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, show him to a room, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answer to these questions, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for.
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has now become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.
From: Doc (DOC3402) [#11]
17 Apr 2007
To: Joe [#6] 18 Apr 2007
From: Doc (DOC3402) [#12]
17 Apr 2007
To: dthompson [#10] 18 Apr 2007
From: Doc (DOC3402) [#13]
17 Apr 2007
To: dthompson [#10] 18 Apr 2007
From: dthompson [#14]
18 Apr 2007
To: Doc (DOC3402) [#13] 18 Apr 2007
OK,
Ya got me back.
I can't quit laughing............
From: Joe [#15]
18 Apr 2007
To: Cagey (KGWAGNER) [#8] 18 Apr 2007
From: Cagey (KGWAGNER) [#16]
18 Apr 2007
To: Joe [#15] 18 Apr 2007
From: dthompson [#17]
18 Apr 2007
To: ALL
An elephant never forgets - very touching story
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
From: Doc (DOC3402) [#18]
18 Apr 2007
To: Joe [#1] 19 Apr 2007
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
From: Doc (DOC3402) [#19]
18 Apr 2007
To: dthompson [#9] 18 Apr 2007
A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"
The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"
The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
From: dthompson [#20]
19 Apr 2007
To: ALL
Five in Audi Quatro !!
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border... The
Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's a illegala to
putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort
unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are
therefore a breaking the law".
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor
over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy
witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
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